How to Guard Your Heart in Christian Dating

 

God understood why we need to guard our hearts in life including in dating when He counseled us in Proverbs 4:23. The heart is the center of the whole person—not just the source of emotions and will but also of wisdom and perspective. In essence, the heart referred to who you are as a person.

What you do flows from who you are. That’s why Proverbs 4:23 instructs us to guard the heart (who you are) because the wellspring of life (what you do) flows from it. Therefore, it is essential for you to guard your heart in dating because what you do in a dating relationship flows from whom you are in a dating relationship.

Guarding your heart does not merely involve protecting yourself from too much intimacy with someone of the opposite sex. But guarding your heart is so much more than this! It’s a call to protect your character in all that you do.

Guarding your heart is the key to saving yourself for your future spouse in a way that honors God. In order to avoid the pain of premature emotional bonding in a dating relationship– a relationship that may never translate into marriage, here are 5 ways to guard your heart:

Avoid praying together: Sounds shocking? It’s no typo error, you read it right.  We’ve always been taught that prayer is such an important part of any relationship.  While this sounds good, it’s actually a really dangerous road to travel at such early stages in a relationship.

Seeking the heart of God and pouring out your heart and soul to Him through prayer is one of the most emotionally vulnerable places you will ever be.  It’s essentially like being spiritually naked because before God, you hide nothing emotionally.

In the early stages of dating, seek to pursue God as an individual before allowing your relationship to become a trio prematurely by including your significant other.  There will be a day for deep and intimate spiritual unity…but it’s not now.

Your dating relationship in it’s early stages is meant to be a time of getting to know each other, and learning all the superficial things you can know before taking it to the next level. Use this season for just that!  Don’t go too deep too fast, because the emotional intimacy that comes with deep shared moments like this can actually pull you in far deeper than you were ever meant to go, and in the end, leave you with a broken heart…and a broken spirit.

Open up a little at a time: Dating is such a special time.  It’s a time to really get to know someone and invest in who they are.  It’s a time to let your guard down a little at a time and begins to share the truths of who you are.

Take note of the key word, A little at a time. When you enter into relationship, you should be at a point in your life where you are ready to be open, ready to share, and ready to communicate.  But there should always be limits to this kind of openness.  There are times to be open and share your heart–but, there are also times to withhold.

I don’t recommend sitting down at your first date and spilling every detail and secret in your life.  Relationships should be seen as a journey of building trust.  You build a little at a time.  You give a little at a time.  Lay the foundations first, and then begin building the house.  Be real, be genuine, and be honest- but never without the anchor of boundaries and the weight of wisdom.

Don’t talk about commitment, before you’ve actually committed: The temptation often arise to talk about the future when you’re dating.  You want to dream together, to envision the future together, and to create this world up ahead to live for.  I think there is a time and place for this kind of discussion.  Later on in a relationship it’s important to be on the same page and to have a similar outlook on what is to come relationally.

Take your time; allow your relationship to go through the necessary seasons before you allow your conversation to jump ahead.  Because where your conversation goes your heart will go, too.

Pay close attention to red flags: Don't ignore any relationship red flags. If you're with someone who's physically or emotionally abusive, lies, or mistrusts you, these are key signs that you should end the relationship. If you don't pay attention to these warning signs, you're leaving yourself vulnerable to future heartbreak. A red flag is a good intuitive image to help you process what you’re really feeling. At the end of a difficult relationship, people often say, 'He (or she) told me who he (or she) was at the very beginning, but I just didn’t listen.' Learn to trust what you feel. Your hunch is probably right.

 Stop prioritizing the Superficial: It would help if you focused on what truly matters. Concentrate on values, goals, and morals, rather than high-paying jobs and luxury items. If you eliminate people because they don't fit into a certain mold, you may be missing out on a deeper connection. To protect your heart, you should prioritize what truly matters so that you find a relationship that's fulfilling in every way.

 

PEER PRESSURE

 

Peer pressure is the influence that a group or an individual exerts over someone that encourages them to change their attitudes, values, or behaviors to conform to group norms.

TRUTHS ABOUT PEER PRESSURE

When we hear about peer pressure the mind tends to wonder about negative influences exerted over someone by another person or group of people. The truth is there are both positive and negative influences in life. Each day we are faced with choices to make about which of these you will allow to influence you.  Positive peer pressure that encourages you to do good is not a problem.  It is the negative peer pressure of ungodly influences in your life which you must learn to confront and conquer.

Those with whom you associate influence you. The Bible says “Do not be misled: Bad company corrupts good character” (1 Corinthians 15:33).  Proverbs warns:  “Do not make friends with a hot-tempered man, do not associate with one easily angered, or you may learn his ways and get yourself ensnared” (Proverbs 22:24-25).  Substitute any negative influence for the words “hot-tempered” and the result is the same–if you run with someone who is dishonest, you learn their ways.  If you hang out with a liar, you will become one too.

You should be an example instead of following bad examples.  Paul told a young believer named Timothy:  “Don’t let anyone look down on you because you are young, but set an example for the believers in speech, in life, in love, in faith and in purity” (1Timothy 4:12-13).  Jesus said you were to follow His example (John 13:15) and that as a believer you are His ambassador to the world (1 Corinthians 5:20).  Do not be a clone.  Be an example.  You are to be the salt of the earth (Matthew 5:13).  Tasteless salt is worthless (Mark 9:50).  As a follower of Christ it is your responsibility to flavor the world around you so it will be positively impacted for God.

Doing things because “everyone else is doing them” is idolatry.  The Lord said that Israel imitated the sinful nations around them, although God had ordered them not to do so.  They followed idolatrous people and became idolatrous themselves (2 Kings 17:15).  When you decide to do something because “everyone else is doing it”, you are establishing those unsaved people as an idol in your life–imitating them and adhering to their standards instead of following God.

DEALING WITH PEER PRESSURE:

Do not blame God when you yield to peer pressure. The Bible says: “When tempted, no one should say, ‘God is tempting me.’ For God cannot be tempted by evil, nor does he tempt anyone; but each one is tempted when, by his own evil desire, he is dragged away and enticed.  Then, after desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and sin, when it is full-grown, gives birth to death”  (James 1:13-15).

Rebuke the fear of man. The Bible says that the fear of man is a spiritual snare which entraps you in their ways (Proverbs 29:25).

Determine that you will obey God rather than man.  The disciples took their stand against “peer pressure”, even when facing possible imprisonment and death.   Peter and the other apostles declared: “We must obey God rather than men!” (Acts 5:29).

 

Renew your mind in the Word of God.  This will enable you to be transformed instead of conforming to the world (Romans 12:1-2).

Do not be unequally yoked in relationships.  The Bible warns believers:  “Do not be yoked together with unbelievers. For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common? Or what fellowship can light have with darkness?  What harmony is there between Christ and Belial? What does a believer have in common with an unbeliever?  What agreement is there between the temple of God and idols? For we are the temple of the living God. As God has said: “I will live with them and walk among them, and I will be their God, and they will be my people.”   “Therefore come out from them and be separate,”   says the Lord.  “Touch no unclean thing, and I will receive you. I will be a Father to you, and you will be my sons and daughters” (2 Corinthians 6:14-18).   Break close relationships with those who exert pressure for you to look, act, think, or talk in ways that are not in harmony with God’s Word.

Do not become involved in the troubles of others.  Some people want to involve you in their messes and even take delight in getting you into trouble. The moment you are tempted to become involved in another person’s issues, you end up as part of their troubles.  The Bible warns:  “Enter not into the path of the wicked, and go not in the way of evil men. Avoid it, pass not by it, turn from it, and pass away. For they sleep not, except they have done mischief; and their sleep is taken away, unless they cause some to fall. For they eat the bread of wickedness, and drink the wine of violence” (Proverbs 4:14-17, KJV).

BIBLE REFERENCES ABOUT PEER PRESSURE:

Do not follow the crowd in doing wrong. (Exodus 23:2)

 

Blessed is the man who does not walk in the counsel of the wicked or stand in the way of sinners or sit in the seat of mockers.  But his delight is in the law of the Lord, and on his law he meditates day and night. (Psalm 1:1-2)

Away from me, you evildoers, that I may keep the commands of my God!  (Psalm 119:115)

My son, if sinners entice you, do not give in to them.  If they say, “Come along with us; let’s lie in wait for someone’s blood, let’s waylay some harmless soul;  let’s swallow them alive, like the grave, and whole, like those who go down to the pit;  we will get all sorts of valuable things  and fill our houses with plunder;  throw in your lot with us, and we will share a common purse”–my son, do not go along with them, do not set foot on their paths;  for their feet rush into sin, they are swift to shed blood.  (Proverbs 1:10-16)

Enter not into the path of the wicked, and go not in the way of evil men. Avoid it, pass not by it, turn from it, and pass away. For they sleep not, except they have done mischief; and their sleep is taken away, unless they cause some to fall. For they eat the bread of wickedness, and drink the wine of violence. (Proverbs 4:14-17. KJV)

Do not make friends with a hot-tempered man, do not associate with one easily angered, or you may learn his ways  and get yourself ensnared. (Proverbs 22:24-25)

 

Do not join those who drink too much wine or gorge themselves on meat, for drunkards and gluttons become poor, and drowsiness clothes them in rags.  (Proverbs 23:20-21)

Fear of man will prove to be a snare, but whoever trusts in the Lord is kept safe.  (Proverbs 29:25)

Peter and the other apostles replied: “We must obey God rather than men!” (Acts 5:29)

Therefore, I urge you, brothers, in view of God’s mercy, to offer your bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God–this is your spiritual act of worship. Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transform. (Romans 12:1-2)

Do not be yoked together with unbelievers. For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common? Or what fellowship can light have with darkness?  What harmony is there between Christ and Belial? What does a believer have in common with an unbeliever?  What agreement is there between the temple of God and idols? For we are the temple of the living God. As God has said: “I will live with them and walk among them, and I will be their God, and they will be my people.”   “Therefore come out from them and be separate,”   says the Lord.  “Touch no unclean thing, and I will receive you. I will be a Father to you, and you will be my sons and daughters.  (2 Corinthians 6:14-18)

Do not be misled: Bad company corrupts good character.  (1 Corinthians 15:33)

 

Am I now trying to win the approval of men, or of God? Or am I trying to please men? If I were still trying to please men, I would not be a servant of Christ. (Galatians 1:10)

Don’t let anyone look down on you because you are young, but set an example for the believers in speech, in life, in love, in faith and in purity.  (1 Timothy 4:12-13)

When tempted, no one should say, “God is tempting me.” For God cannot be tempted by evil, nor does he tempt anyone; but each one is tempted when, by his own evil desire, he is dragged away and enticed.  Then, after desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and sin, when it is full-grown, gives birth to death.  (James 1:13-15)

 

How should we conduct ourselves in Christian courtship? Part 2

 

In the first part of this article we discussed about things to do. In this second part we will be looking at things not to do.

B. Things Not to Do

1.   Don’t be exclusive in relating only with each other all the time (Heb 10:24-26, Eph 5:3, Gal 5:16, 19-21) and neglect others.

2.   Do not plan to isolate yourselves (during your date) in dark or solitary places where you can be easily tempted and fall into sin.

3.   Do not give in to your passions and be involved in unhealthy activities like heavy petting and pre-marital sex (Gal 5:6, 19-21).

4.   Do not deceive yourselves that it is alright to do this or that since “we love each other and are already committed to be married anyway.”  (I Cor 7:9, Prov 6:27-28)

5. Avoid unedifying movies, videos, worldly magazines or unwholesome jokes or books that will stumble each other (2Tim 2:22).

6.   Dress modestly for the date (1 Pet 3:3, 4).  Do not wear plunging necklines, mini- skirts and tempting/sensuous attires that will not be edifying but rather hinder healthy relationships.

7.   Do not be a bad testimony to each other and others or even cause the other to fall into sin.  (1 Cor 8:9)

8.   When visiting each other’s home, ensure someone is at home.  Keep your rooms open so that you will not be in absolute privacy.

9.   Be not involved in the worldly environment of revelry and pleasure such as movies, pubs, alcohol consumption and night clubbing.

10.  Prepare and plan to have a reasonable courtship of at least (it is difficult to know someone well in a short time e.g. 6 months).  But, courtship should not be eternal. Do not be influenced by the worldly system of infidelity and a one-night-stand syndrome. (I Tim 6:6-10,2 Tim 2;22, Gal 5;19-21,)  That which grows slowly, endures.

How Should We Conduct Ourselves in Christian Courtship? Part 1

How should we conduct ourselves in Christian courtship? Part1

 

Consider the following practical tips.

A.  Things to DO

1.   Be willing and teachable; seek parental guidance and advice from your church leaders (i.e. priest, pastors, elders and deacons). Freely interact with godly married couples and observe their Christian marriage lifestyle and family life.

2.   Ask good questions about each other’s convictions, values, aspirations and other pertinent matters to prepare you for marriage.

3.   Learn more of each other in areas of communication, spiritual convictions, working life, church ministry and family background.

4.   Pray often for loved ones and the church.  Consider going on organized mission trips with other Christians to grow and serve together in the Lord’s work.

5.   Attend regular Bible study together.  Share what you have learnt from the Lord in your personal devotions, reading of Christian books or etc.

6.   Learn to understand each other's personal likes, differences and preferences. Be clear about the character and interests of him/her.

7.   Serve God together in church (e.g. choir, prayer meetings, home-based Bible study groups, etc.) in preparation to serve God as a married couple one day.  Learn to complement each other as a ministry team.

8.   Equip yourselves with adequate understanding of Christian courtship & marriage through reading the Bible and other wholesome Christian literature.

9.   Be willing to relate and fellowship with others in group setting; bearing in mind that you are to set a positive example as a Christian courting couple.

10. Exercise self-control (Gal 5:22, 23) in your passion towards each other; be determined to keep yourselves pure for marriage (Heb 13:4).

11.  Meet the siblings and parents of the other side in due time and have a strong and vibrant relationship with them as well.

Read these verses together always:

A. I Cor 6:19&20 (your bodies is the temple of God)

B. Rom 12:1 &2 (be transformed by your renewed mind, an example to others)

C. Jer 17:7&10 (you will reap what you sow)

How Should We Conduct Ourselves in Christian Courtship ? Part 2

What is the right age for Christian dating?

 

Putting an age limit on when to begin Christian courtship is hard. But, teenagers in school will be too young to start dating and courtship.  Be patient and wait for the seasons for life to naturally develop as God intends them to be (Psa 27:14).

Following the following criteria is useful in helping you know when you are ready to go into dating:

·       Be sure you are mentally, spiritually and emotionally mature

·       You recognize your gift for marriage (I Cor 7:7) or do not have the gift of celibacy

·       You are praying and seeking God's will for marriage 

·       Be sure you are ready about commitment in a serious    relationship.

A vital principle in the Bible is that physical intimacy is a privilege of covenant of love sanctioned by God in marriage. (Heb13:3, 4)  If you are not in a covenant, then you do not get the privilege of intimacy. Covenant marriage as the Bible defines it, brings many responsibilities with it - a life-long commitment of a marital bond committed to God in the first place.

Principles of Christian Dating Part 2

In the first part of this post some important principles to remember when approaching Christian dating were outlined. Here are the other principles to remember:

6. Treat women with purity: For all men out there, you need to treat women with respect and purity. Remember that every woman is a child of God, and Christian men have the nonnegotiable duty to protect them. When you defile a woman, you are stealing something that is not yours.

“Do not rebuke an older man, but exhort him as a father, younger men as brothers, older women as mothers, younger women as sisters, WITH ALL PURITY” (I Timothy 5:1-2).

Before you do something stupid and sinful during your date, ask yourself, “Do you want your future mate to have been close to sex with lots of others before you?” If your answer to that question is no, then better respect your date.

7. Avoid desperation in dating: Christians should avoid falling into the trap of desperation. The world dating culture places a large emphasis on marriage, which places pressure on single believers to get married.

This often causes single Christians to become desperate and to date anyone because of the pressure to be married often just to have sex within the confines of marriage. Such a mindset goes against the Bible, which urges believers to seriously consider marriage or singleness based on legitimate reasons and not because of external pressure (1 John 4:18).

“There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love”.

8. Avoid appearance of evil: Avoiding the appearance of evil is crucial when dating. If you are going to date, you should not be dating in dark, secluded, and isolated places. That will just lead to sexual temptation.

“Abstain from every form of evil” (I Thessalonians 5:22).

Don’t date to convert: Some Christians rationalize dating non-believers because their effort might “lead” them to church. While this might be a good idea, the Bible reveals otherwise. It is never in our hands to call people into the church. This is God’s prerogative. It is Him who draws people to His church. We are just to serve as lights to the world and lead a godly example (John 6:44).

“No one can come to Me unless the Father who sent Me draws him; and I will raise him up at the last day”

9. Being single is not a lesser state: Although Christians can still date with the intention of finding someone to marry; there is still the possibility that they will remain single for a part or the rest of their life. Being single is not a lesser state but has many great benefits in serving the Lord (1 Corinthians 7:32, 34).

“32 I would like you to be free from concern. An unmarried man is concerned about the Lord’s affairs—how he can please the Lord”.

“34 and his interests are divided. An unmarried woman or virgin is concerned about the Lord’s affairs: Her aim is to be devoted to the Lord in both body and spirit. But a married woman is concerned about the affairs of this world—how she can please her husband”.

 

Principles of Christian Dating Part 1

 

Principles of Christian Dating Part 1

 

Dating is a critical subject, and a foundation for possible marriage that can potentially lead to a life-changing decision. Marriage is among the most crucial decisions that you will ever make during this life. Building a strong foundation for marriage involves knowing the right way of dating.

Here are some important principles to remember when approaching this topic.

1. Commit to God first: Oftentimes in dating, people become infatuated and almost obsessed with their new boyfriend or girlfriend. Other important relationships often take a back seat to the new person they are dating. As a Christian, your first priority in all situations should always be the Lord (Matthew 6:33).

“But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well”.

2. Guard your heart: The Bible tells us to be very careful about giving our affections, because our heart influences everything else in our life (Proverbs 4:23).

“Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life”

3.  Do not date unbelievers: One of the most glaring mistakes Christians do is dating someone outside of their faith. While emotion will cloud our thinking, it is best to listen to biblical wisdom. You will save yourself a lot of pain when you follow this principle. Christians should be deliberate about their relationship with the Lord, seeking to glorify Him in their life; they should also ensure that the person they are dating is completely in love with the Lord. Believers should not date unbelievers because of the possibility of marriage in any dating relationship (I Corinthians 14-16).

“DO NOT BE UNEQUALLY YOKED TOGETHER WITH UNBELIEVERS. For what fellowship has righteousness with lawlessness? And what communion has light with darkness?  And what accord has Christ with Belial? Or what part has a believer with an unbeliever? And what agreement has the temple of God with idols? For you are the temple of the living God”

Also, even if a Christian is dating a believer, they need to be aware of the other person’s relationship with God. Are they actively growing in their walk with Christ? Do they desire to love Him more than anything in the world, including being in a relationship or getting married? Believers should be aware of the spiritual state of the person they are seriously dating.

4. Date with marriage in mind: What is the primary purpose that you are dating? Are you dating just to have someone to hold, hug, kiss, or more than that? If you are dating just for fun, then you are missing the whole point of exclusive dating. Dating should be with intent on getting married, therefore, date a person with the values and goals that you look for in your marriage partner. Christian dating should be purposeful and intentional.

“He who finds a wife finds what is good and receives favor from the LORD” (Proverbs 18:22).

5. Avoid sexual immorality: It is understandable that dating someone you like and even love may easily lead to sexual temptations. If we are not careful, we might commit fornication and premarital sex. This is why the Bible strongly beseech everyone to watch out for this sin and do whatever it takes to avoid it (I Thessalonians 4:3-5).

“For this is the will of God, your sanctification: that you should ABSTAIN FROM SEXUAL IMMORALITY; that each of you should know how to possess his own vessel in sanctification and honor, not in passion of lust, like the Gentiles who do not know God”

Principles of Christian Dating Part 2

What is Biblical Dating?

 In the bible there is nothing specific about dating. Basically, none of the people mentioned in the Bible ever dated but rather participated in prearranged marriages and betrothals. The modern Western idea of dating did not exist in biblical times and even many cultures today do not practice dating either. If this is the case, then some may say Christians should not be encouraged to date, but instead wait for the divinely chosen person whom God intended for them to marry.

As Christians, we are called to be distinct in the ways we think and act about all issues that confront us and those around us. This topic is no exception.

There are consistent indications that professing Christians behave almost exactly like non-Christians in terms of sexual involvement outside of marriage. The truth is that when it comes to dating and relationships, perhaps more than in any other area of the everyday Christian life, the church is largely indistinguishable from the world. This truth has brought immeasurable emotional pain and other consequences to many Christians. Worse, it has brought great dishonour to the name of Christ and to the witness of individuals and the church.

This is not the way it is meant to be. For Christians, the Lord has given us His Word, and the Holy Spirit helps us to understand it. We have brothers and sisters in Christ to hold us accountable and to help us apply the Word to our lives. If you are a Christian that is the biblical life you are called to.

Biblical dating therefore can be defined as a method of carrying out of a pre-marital relationship between a single man and a single woman in accordance with the ordinances of scripture.

The Bible is sufficient to guide and instruct us authoritatively in all areas of our faith and life, and there is no area of life about which the Bible has no guidance for us. This topic “DATING” is no exception. The    sufficiency of Scripture is taught explicitly and implicitly in many passages, but perhaps the most obvious is 2 Timothy 3:16-17

All Scripture is God-breathed and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting and training in righteousness, so that the man of God may be thoroughly equipped for every good work.

Scripture does provide a few general principles that can be applied to the modern practice of dating and courtship, including maintaining a proper perspective while dating and focusing on purity in romantic relationships.