Conflict Resolution In Marriage

 

One of the best feelings in the world is falling in love. It can be exhilarating, overwhelming, and even euphoric. But, when the romantic bliss begins to wane (which is inevitable), conflicts arising from different issues sets in.

Conflict is an inevitable part of any marriage. However, how couples handle these occasional conflicts is crucial in maintaining a healthy and happy relationship, or driving a wedge in their relationship.

It is important to note that conflict in marriage doesn't necessarily mean something is wrong with your relationship. The truth is, learning how to handle conflicts can bring you closer. Successful marriage conflict resolution isn't avoiding fights;  it's understanding, communicating, and finding common ground for your marriage to thrive on. 

 Some Common Causes of Marital Conflicts 

1. Communication breakdown

Healthy communication is key to any successful relationship. It is important to note that effective communication involves speaking and listening. Active listening allows both partners to understand each other's perspective and work towards finding common ground.

2. Unmet or unreasonable expectations

Expectations are natural in marriages. However, when these expectations are unmet or unreasonable, they can result to conflicts.

In most cases, these expectations are unspoken with one partner assuming the other partner should intuitively know what they need. It is a big mistake to assume your partner to read your mind.

3. Time allocation to personal pursuit and marriage.

Marriage do not add extra time to the 24 hrs you had when you were single. But, marriage adds a latest addition to your life-your spouse! So, how you allocate your time to yourself, your career, friends, hobbies, and family before marriage should have a reschedule to include your new addition(spouse), and children as they arrive. Just know it that marriage comes with its KRAs-Key Responsibility Areas.

4. Lack of sexual intimacy or compatibility 

If you experience stronger sexual urge, as opposed to your less inclined spouse, can lead to conflict. 

Lack of honest sexual communication, intimacy inhibitions, work stress and household responsibilities are some serious issues that should be addressed in marriages . 

5. Challenges in managing marriage finances. 

Inability to manage marriage finances can put a wedge in your relationship. 

Temperament difference with respect to one partner being a big spender or another being a frugal, a sense of resentment of a working spouse towards the non working, a major shift in priorities and preferences can lead to marital conflict. 

Not making a full disclosure to your spouse about your financial situation, or a child support situation from your previous marriage are other culprits that can derail your marriage. 

6. Powerplay imbalance in personalities. 

Both spouses are seen as equal counterparts in a marriage. But, most times this concept is seen as utopian. 

In any relationship where one partner is domineering and the other submissive partner, subsequently leads to a resentful build-up, and unhealthy powerplay that will consequently put a strain in the relationship

Some Helpful Bible Principles for Conflict Resolution in Marriage

As imperfect humans that we are, there is hardly any issues, or challenging situations we will find ourselves in that the Bible has no wise counsel to help us navigate through the situation, and conflict in marriages is not an exception.

The Bible offers valuable insights on handling conflicts. There are a number of beneficial conflict resolution principles and practices that couples can adopt in other to engage in marital conflict more constructively.

Scripture is full of wise counsels that relate to interpersonal relationship that can help you and your spouse to apply the Word of God to work in your relationship and marital conflict resolution. We will be looking at some of them.

Commit to One Another

Ephesians 5:28-29 :"He who loves his wife loves himself. After all, no one hated his own body, but he feeds and cares for it, just as Christ does the church."

Husbands are commanded to selflessly love their wives and wives to respect their husbands. In a perfect world this commandment will rarely be broken. But, in this fallen world we live in, the natural tendencies are to focus on ourselves and attempt to impose our will on others. These often leads to communication breakdown, and wounded relationships.

 Be an Active Listener

James 1:19 : My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry".

Take turns listening and speaking without interrupting or getting defensive so both parties feel heard and understood.

Use "I" statements

During your conversation with your spouse, using "I" statements can help express how the conflict affects you personally. This approach avoids blaming or accusing your partner but rather focuses on how their actions has impacted you. For instance, saying "I feel hurt when you do A," rather than "You always do A," can be more effective in resolving conflicts. 

 Find Common Ground

Corinthians 9:22: "When I am with those who are weak, I share their weakness, for I want to bring the weak to Christ. Yes, I try to find common ground with everyone, doing everything I can to save some." 

One powerful tool in resolving conflicts is finding common ground instead of focusing solely on differences. Seek for areas of agreement and work towards finding a solution that is beneficial to both parties. This approach will foster a sense of teamwork rather than opposition. 

 Manage Emotions

Proverbs 16:32: "He who is slow to anger is better than the mighty, and he who rules his spirit than he who takes a city". 

Ephesians 4:26-32: "But don't let the passion of your emotions lead you to sin! Don't let anger control you or be fuel for revenge, not for even a day".

Learn to manage your emotions and put conflict in perspective. 

 Avoid Judgemental Language

Matthew 7:1-5: "Judge not, that you be not judged. For with the judgment you pronounce you will be judged, and with the measure you use it will be measured to you". 

The words you use at the heat of the disagreement matter and will be remembered.

 Allow Moments for Self Reflection 

2 Corinthians 13:5; Lamentations 3:40

God calls people to examine themselves. 

Romans 12:3

Paul encourages readers to have a modest view of themselves, and to be aware of when they hold themselves in too high a regard.

Remember no one is perfect. So, sometimes you may be the one at fault, allow yourself to reflect on that.

 Compromise

Romans 12:18: "If possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone."

If you understand that both parties feelings and dreams need to be honored, then perfection shouldn't be the goal. Let go of your ego and seek peace. 

 Curb Your Temper

Proverbs 14:29  "Whoever is patient has great understanding, but one who is quick-tempered displays folly":

Anger expose us to thinking, speaking, and acting in quite a foolish manner. When you become conscious of your anger, take some intentional steps to slow down and stay engaged with your partner in a manner that promotes conflict resolution.

 Leave Revenge to God

Romans 12:19 "Do not avenge yourselves, beloved, but leave room for God’s wrath. For it is written: “Vengeance is Mine; I will repay, says the Lord.”

When it comes to conflict resolution in marriage, however, God’s people are encouraged to let go of the impulse for revenge and to turn the conflict over to God.

Allow God to work on your spouse’s heart and allow Him to fight on your behalf. Often it is our woundedness that is driving our conflict with each other. God works at the level of the heart and only He can bring about the conflict resolution and healing that many of us (and our spouses) really need.

 Forgive Each Other

Colossians 3:13 says, "Bear with one another and forgive one another, if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you". 

Forgiveness is essential in resolving conflicts in marriage. When you make allowance for human imperfections you are laying the foundation for Conflict Resolution and intimacy your relationship needs in order to thrive.

 Focus on the Positive

1 Thessalonians 5:11 "Therefore encourage one another and build each other up, just as in fact you are doing."

Focusing on the positive makes a big difference in relationships. Focus on the positive aspects of your marriage, and the positive traits of your spouse and communicate them to each other in an encouraging manner.

 The Power of Apologies

Luke 17:3-4

"So watch yourselves. “If your brother or sister sins against you, rebuke them; and if they repent, forgive them. Even if they sin against you seven times in a day and seven times come back to you saying ‘I repent,’ you must forgive them.”

A sincere apology is a powerful tool in resolving conflict. It acknowledges any wrongdoings and expresses remorse for any hurt caused.

Exercise Patience

Ephesians 4:2

"Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love".

Patience is vital in resolving conflicts in marriages. Conflict resolution takes time and requires patience from both parties. Seeking for a quick fix may not lead to long term healing within the relationship. It is important to note that conflict resolution is a process not an event.

 Seek a Marriage Counselor

Where the conflict proves too challenging to resolve on your own, seeking the help of a marriage counselor may provide the needed guidance and support. 

Seeking help from a counselor outside your marriage does not indicate weakness, but shows your willingness to make your marriage work.