BEFORE YOU SAY I DO

 

It is important to ask the right questions during your dating before you say I do and sign that “love you for life!” contract. Different values can cause rifts in the marriage, early on, or later down the road. That’s why it’s super important to discuss everything as early as you can to make sure you're both truly compatible.

Marriage is a major decision, so there are tons of things you’ll need to consider before you say “I do.” During your dating period, carve out time to ask one another some clarifying questions. This is how you enter marriage with your eyes wide open. Answers like, “I haven’t really thought about” are ones you’ll need to revisit. 

Not sure where to start? Here are some expert-approved questions to ask before marriage:

Personal Values

Does your partner care about political issues?

Do you and your partner belong to the same ideological party?

Is it an issue if you have different political ideals?

Do your partner's political ideals impact their decisions?

Does your partner enjoy the kind of work they do?

How important is your relationship to your partner?

Who are the most important people in your partner's life?

Does your partner concern themselves with current events?

Who does your partner value spending time with most?

What does it look like when your partner deeply cares about something?

Career Goals

Does your partner support your goals? Can you talk openly about it?

Where does your partner see their career in 10 years?

Where do you see your career being in 10 years?

How much time does your partner spend at work?

How passionate is your partner about their career?

How passionate are you about your career?

Does your partner prioritize work over other aspects of their life?

Does your partner view their occupation as their passion?

How demanding is your partner’s job?

Has work-life balance ever put a strain on your relationship?

Does work interfere with the plans you have for life?

How salary-driven are you and your partner?

Does having a demanding job support the lifestyle you two enjoy?

How supportive is your partner of your career goals?

Do your individual career goals conflict with each other at all?

How does your partner feel when they come home from work?

The Past

Which childhood experiences influence your behavior and attitude the most?

Could any feelings of affection and romance be revived if you met a previous boyfriend/girlfriend even though you feel strongly committed to me?

Is there anything in your past of which I should be aware?

What did you dislike the most about your previous partners?

If your past boyfriends/girlfriends listed your most negative characteristics, what would they be?

Do you keep letters and memorabilia from past relationships? Why or why not?

Are you comfortable continuing this relationship if there are things in my past that I am not willing to share with you?

Have you ever been involved in any criminal activities? What were they?

Did your mother or father abuse each other or you in any way- sexually, emotionally, verbally, or physically?

Have you ever had to overcome a bad habit? How long ago was that?

What was it? Have you ever been violent in past relationships?

How did your parents show their love to you growing up?

Family Planning

Do you and your partner both want children?

Where would your partner ideally like to raise kids?

At what point in your marriage would your partner like to start a family?

If you give birth, how would your partner handle pregnancy and labor?

How would your partner react if you had difficulty conceiving?

Would your partner be open to alternative ways of becoming parents?

What kind of childhood did your partner have?

Does your partner have a good relationship with their parents?

Do you enjoy spending time with your partner’s parents?

Does your partner like the way they were raised?

What would be your partner’s parenting style?

Does your partner enjoy being around your family?

What kind of family traditions would your partner want to implement?

How many children would your partner like to have?

What kind of child care would you like to have?

Trust

Have there been times when you were uncomfortable with the way I behaved with the opposite sex? If so, when and what did I do?

What do I do now or what could I do in the future that would cause you to distrust me?

Would you be comfortable transferring all your money into my bank account?

Would you be comfortable transferring all of your money into a joint account?

Who do you feel should come first, your spouse or your children?

Is trust automatic until something occurs that takes it away, or does it evolve over time?

Do you trust me with money?

Is it permissible for us to open each other’s mail?

Can we answer each other’s cell phone?

Will we have the passwords to each other’s email accounts?

Do you have trust issues and insecurities?

Sex and Romance

If we eliminated physical attraction from our relationship, what would be left?

What is the best way for me to show that I love you?

If I put on weight, will it affect our sexual relationship? How?

Is it important for you to know if I’m a virgin? Why or why not?

What is it that I do that causes you to question my love?

What turns you off sexually?

Do you know if your partner watches porn?

How would you handle it if your sex life became boring?

Do you and your partner prioritize sex?

Are you open to trying different things if we both agree?

Do you think being in love means: (1) Never having to say you’re sorry, (2) Always having to say you’re sorry, (3) Knowing when to say you’re sorry, or (4) Being the first to say I’m sorry?

Can we comfortably and openly discuss our sexual needs, preferences and fears?

Communication

How do you know when your partner is upset?

What does your partner do when they know you're upset?

Does your partner tell you when they have an issue with you?

Does your partner tell you when they're stressed?

What does your partner do to make you smile?

Has there ever been something you didn't want to tell your partner?

Do you ever fear your partner will judge you?

Does your partner ever keep secrets from you?

Do you have any trust issues when it comes to your partner?

What do you and your partner typically argue about?

What happens after you and your partner argue?

Do you and your partner ever have issues apologizing?

Does your partner ever hold grudges against you?

How does your partner communicate their love for you?

How does your partner make you feel safe and accepted?

The Future

How are we different? Could our differences be a source of future conflict? Do our differences complement each other?

Do you anticipate maintaining your single lifestyle after we are married? That is, will you spend just as much time with your friends, family and work colleagues? Why or why not?

How did your family resolve conflicts when you were growing up? Do you approve or disapprove of that method? What will you change or not change to resolve conflicts in your future family?

Is there anything about marriage that frightens you?

Would you prefer to live in the city, the country, or by the beach? Why?

If I wanted to move away from our families for work, would you support me?

How would it affect you if I travel on my own frequently to (1) visit family, (2) earn income, (3) pursue a hobby, or (4) deal with stress?

Suppose we are experiencing trouble in our marriage. In what order will you seek help from the following to resolve our conflicts: (1) divorce lawyer, (2) your parents, (3) a brother or sister (4) a marriage counselor, (5) me, (6) a church leader, (7) a friend? Why?

What role will your family play in our life together?

Are there some things that you and I are not prepared to give up in the marriage?

What are my hobbies? How will you support my hobbies?

 Are there any hobbies we can do together?

How do we balance holiday and special occasions with both families and also make sure to have special time for us?

How do you feel about having our parents come to live with us if the need arises?

What is the thing you feel you will be sacrificing the most to marry me?

Is there anything you would regret not being able to do or accomplish if you married me?

How will we schedule holidays with our families?

Do you expect or want me to change in certain areas?

What are your expectations about how we will spend our free time?

How will we make sure we have quality time together no matter how busy we get?

Annoyances

If I had bad breath, body odor or wear dirty clothes, will you tell me? Should I tell you? Why or why not? How should we do it?

What do you consider nagging? How does it make you feel? Do I nag?

Do you approve without reservation of the way I dress? What would you like to see change?

Which, if any, of my family members annoy you?

What does my family do that annoys you?

Would it bother you if I made body noises all the time, like passing gas, burping, or smacking when I chew?

Is there anything you do in your line of work that I would disapprove of or that would hurt me?

Do you believe that you should stick with a marriage if you are unhappy all the time?

When do you need space away from me?

Miscellaneous

How would you rank all the priorities in your life: work, school, family, spouse, friends, hobbies, and church? Does your ranking reflect the amount of time you spend on each?

Are you closer to your mother or father? Why?

What is your preferred work schedule, daily or flexible work activities and timetables?

What do you fear?

What influence, if any, do you believe my family should have on our relationship?

To what extent should our parents know our financial condition, whether good or bad, just because they want to? How far should this go?

What are your views on pornography?

What are your boundaries with alcohol?

How would you react if our son or daughter told us they were gay?

What are your feelings on racial prejudice?

How do you feel about having guns in our home?

Is there anyone close to you who feels we should not get married? Why? Should we be concerned about this?

What health problems do you have?

Have you ever had any psychological problems?

When you are in a bad mood, how should I deal with it? How do you deal with it?

Would you want to have a pet?

What type of pet would you want to have?

Will we have to change the church will we attend? Why?

How will we make decisions together?

How do you handle your anger?

How much alone time do you need?

What are the boundaries we want to put in place when it comes to dealing with the opposite sex?

How important is it to you to keep up physical appearances?

Have you ever cheated on someone or been cheated on?

How important do you think self-care is?

When conflict arises, do we tend to want to fight, avoid it or work it out?

How important is spending time in prayer, daily devotions, attending church and serving to you?

After reading through and answering these questions, you should be able to make an informed decision about starting a life with your partner. And if you don't know the answer to any of these questions, use it as a conversation starter with your partner. 

Marriage was meant to be a power union and never a power struggle. While marriage is a constant road of twists and turns, disagreements, different upbringings and opinions, and often opposite personalities, it’s important to talk about the bigger issues of the heart. It is also important to realize that marriage is a constant growing process. You continue to know more about one another each and every day. You continue to learn mercy and grace. You continue to learn that the success of a marriage isn’t based on differences but about forgiveness, dependence on Christ, and matters of the heart.

WHAT GODLY WOMEN SEEK IN THE MEN THEY DATE

 

Are you a single lady, just looking to find a good Christian man to date? There are good Christian single guys out there. Maybe you even have a man pursuing you now, but you’re not sure whether he is the right guy to date. Paying attention to a potential interest’s characteristics is important for finding that godly man. But knowing which characteristics are most important to you, as well as those characteristics to look for that will promote a healthy and fulfilling relationship can be overwhelming.

Are you aware there’s a difference between a good man and a godly man?

A godly man makes wise decisions, is kind, and loves you based on a godly standard. A good man makes sound decisions, is nice, and loves you based on a worldly standard. 

While both of these men can be great boyfriends, fiancés, and husbands, discerning between a godly man and a worldly man is important if you want to date with purpose. 

Being a Godly man it’s about his character, his morals, and his values as well as that he strives towards becoming more like Christ every day.

However, looking for God in a man will always be an impossible task. But, looking for a man that chooses to live a godly life—or love in ways that reflect God’s promises—is a worthwhile quest.

So, what qualities in a man should you look for? If we search through examples of God’s love in the Bible, we can piece together a reflection of him.

Here are some qualities in a Godly man for those ladies in the Christian dating world that will help pinpoint some of the most important qualities of a Christian man worth seeking:    

Seek an honest man: A great indicator of honesty in a man is his willingness to be transparent. He gives you access to use his phone. He lets you know his needs, he is a man of his word, do not lie, steal or betray. Being honest, and living those truths evidently, is the foundational quality of a godly man.

Trust should be at the foundation of every committed relationship. This so, because after it is established, you feel encouraged to open up to each other, invest in each other, and eventually commit to each other.

Broken trust is a major deal-breaker in relationships, and lying is the fastest way of breaking that trust. No matter how big or small the lie might be, it leaves an unpleasant aftertaste and makes you suspicious of every following statement.

For this reason honesty is one of the most important qualities to look for in a potential spouse.

“Do not lie to each other, since you have taken off your old self with its practices” (Col. 3:9).

“The Lord detests lying lips but delights in people who are trustworthy.” ( Proverbs 12:22). 

Seek a man who expresses humility: Humility in a godly man recognizes that whatever strength, ability, or blessing he presently enjoys is ‘but by the grace of God’ (1 Cor. 15:10).

He is not too proud to kneel, not too important to lower himself to a child’s eye-level, humble enough to pray as a way of life, not as a display for others to witness. . He prays in his closet, in the car, while at work and with the people he loves and lives with. Not as a wearisome task or burden, but to seek his Father’s guidance. 

One common habit of couples in healthy relationships is that both partners are able to lay aside selfishness and consider the other one’s interest and well-being as important as their own. That is only possible if both of you can humble yourselves.

“Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others.”  – Philippians 2:3-4

Seek a man who value commitment: A man who is committed will wince at the prospect of tearing away his flesh from his wife. If you love a man like this, thank him for honoring your unity.

God’s earliest breaths confirm this commitment;

“Therefore, a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh” (Genesis 2:24).

Seek a man that perseveres: A man without perseverance will give up every time he encounters challenges. This is a problem. Because if there is one thing that I can assure you then it’s that there are plenty of challenges to face in relationship. Challenges, set-backs and flat out failures will happen, especially in relationships. And they will test your spirit, your love and your faith.

Having someone by your side that knows how to persevere is important for you and your future family.

If you are not certain your love interest has perseverance, then just watch him in times of stress.

Does he give up quickly and lose all hope? Or does he trust God to make a way?

“Blessed is the one who perseveres under trial because, having stood the test, that person will receive the crown of life that the Lord has promised to those who love him.”(James 1:12). 

Seek a man generous: A generous man that knows that his riches come from God. He has less difficulty to let go of worldly possessions and worries less about money. He knows that God can meet his needs and will provide for him in due time.

Apart from tithes and offering, you will encounter people that need help. While you certainly don’t have to give all, giving blesses the giver just as much as the recipient. 

A man that gives generously attracts people that enjoy giving as well. And a community like that is sure to bless you and your future family when in need.

“Remember this: Whoever sows sparingly will also reap sparingly, and whoever sows generously will also reap generously.” (2 Corinthians 9:6)

Seek a man that takes responsibility: Taking responsibility is a prime indicator of maturity and wisdom and therefore one of the more important characteristics to look for in a man. In a relationship, you will face a lot of situations where someone needs to take charge and make a decision. A man should be willing to do so spirit-led. But also take full responsibility for his actions in hindsight.

Take note of your boyfriend carefully when he is under fire. Does he own it or repeatedly blame it on something/ somebody else? If he tends to avoid taking responsibility, remember that small decisions now, become big decisions later.

“So then, each of us will give an account of ourselves to God.” – Romans 14:12

Seek a man with good communication skills: A man, who is self-aware with good communication skill, will be able to say his needs and wants without getting angry or abusive. He will not be controlled by his emotions or pride, but by love.

He will know how to act in order to de-escalate potential arguments and make you feel heard. Knowing how to communicate with each other is essential for a successful relationship. 

Seek a man that talks to you with respect and acts reasonably even when he is agitated.

“My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry, because human anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires.” (James 1:19-20). 

Seek a man who is forgiving: In a relationship, you will be wronged because neither of you is perfect. If your man is forgiving, it’s a sign that he is compassionate and kind, which are all important in relationships.

Be sure that he isn’t the type to hold on to a grudge and be bitter, but instead looks for opportunities to experience joy. After all, forgiveness comes easy if the person is filled with love.

“Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you”. (Ephesians 4:32). 

Seek a man that will be faithful:   This insinuates a reputation. Most men can fake the things when trying to impress a girl. But does he have a reputation for being faithful? To have a reputation, people actually have to know him. Is he following God in every area of his life? Does he keep his commitments?

“Many claim to have unfailing love, but a faithful person who can find?”(Proverbs 20:6).

Seek a hardworking man: Is he disciplined or is he all about his comfort? A diligent person can be counted on to provide. Does he work hard or is he prone to laziness.

“Diligent hands will rule, but laziness ends in forced labour” (Proverbs 12:24). 

Seek a man who is repentant: It’s been said that the best apology is changed behavior. And this goes for men and women. A godly person takes hold of this reality, and repents through confession and new choices. And that means the wounds caused by sins committed in darkness can heal by God’s radiant grace as you walk in the light.

Romans 2:4 tells us that God’s kindness is meant to lead us to repentance. This means that God is always ready to forgive. 

Seek a man that shows wisdom: In contrast to popular belief, wisdom isn’t just gained with age, but can be found at a younger age too. How? By fearing God and listening to wise counsel.

The last thing you want is a man that is full of pride and blinded by his own knowledge, believes he knows it all and doesn’t have to listen to anyone, including you. 

Rather you want to be with someone that seeks wisdom by seeking God’s guidance, his word and a relationship with him. That man is humble and understands that no matter how much he knows, he doesn’t know it all and needs to rely on God.

“Blessed are those who find wisdom, those who gain understanding.” (Proverbs 3:13).

Seek a man that has fear of God: This is the most important characteristic of a godly man in a relationship. If a man doesn’t fear God there is no guarantee that he is not going to change his behavior at one point. The only thing that will keep a man in check is if he fears God and lives his life accordingly. Knowing that God judges our behavior towards each other and sees the things we do in the dark encourages us to live a life of obedience.

“The fear of the Lord is the beginning of knowledge, but fools despise wisdom and instruction.” (Proverbs 1:7). 

These Godly traits are a great foundation when you are seeking what characteristics to look for in a Christian man. While searching for these traits in man is a worthwhile quest, be sure to exhibit them too as they are based on biblical principles to help you date with a difference and Marry well.

WHAT GODLY MEN SEEK IN THE WOMEN THEY DATE

 

Many a time’s men focus mainly on a woman’s appearance when they are seeking whom they will date or marry. But there are more important traits to consider. The value and character traits of a woman are often underestimated by many men when looking for a mate. 

Choosing a mate isn’t all about physical beauty or even personality. In describing the nearly perfect woman in Proverbs 31:30, Solomon wrote, “Charm is deceitful and beauty is passing, but a woman who fears the LORD, she shall be praised”. 

There are few traits of character a Christian woman should strive to attain, which Godly men seek after in a potential spouse. Here are some of them:

Godly men seek women of sound character:  In1Timothy 3:11 the apostle Paul wrote, “Wives must also be of good character. They must not be gossips, but they must control their tempers and be trustworthy in every way”. What foundational character can be more important than this?

Godly men seek women who will be faithful: Is she a woman of God who is committed to being faithful?

As Ruth famously said, “Entreat me not to leave you, or to turn back from following after you; for wherever you go, I will go; and wherever you lodge, I will lodge; your people shall be my people, and your God, my God” (Ruth 1:16). 

A woman who is committed to being faithful to God her entire life should be the foremost character a man looks for in a wife.

Who is her greatest influencer? : Every one of us has people who have a powerful influence on us, so considering whom she chooses to be influenced by is important. To whom does she look to the most for advice? Are these people of solid moral character? Solomon also wrote, “The righteous should choose his friends carefully, for the way of the wicked leads them astray” (Proverbs 12:26).

Observe whom her closest friends and advisers are, and see what direction they influence her toward.

Godly men look for women who are tenderhearted: Is she tenderhearted toward others, wanting to help and serve others when she sees a need? Among the fruit of the Spirit we find kindness, goodness and gentleness (Galatians 5:22-23). These are spiritual qualities that allow us to exhibit the characteristics Paul described in Ephesians 4:32: “And be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God in Christ forgave you.”

Godly men seek women who are teachable:  This characteristics trait is a reflection of her heart. Perhaps nothing reveals a person’s depth and genuine level of humility more quickly than having a heart that is teachable. Not everyone can see a need to learn more and accept instruction.

A teachable person will be learning from his or her own mistakes, as well as those of others, and will be constantly growing and maturing. “Give instruction to a wise man, and he will be still wiser; teach a just man, and he will increase in learning” (Proverbs 9:9).

Godly men seek women who are careful with words: A lot of people throw around words freely, saying whatever they believe you want to hear, but never really meaning it. Others liberally sprinkle their conversations with gossip and scintillating tales about others. Women are not known to use vulgar or profane language, but it appears that societal taboo seems long gone now. Women today are often as crass and crude as men can be in their speech.

A woman of godly character will not allow her speech to become infected with anything that is improper or sinful.

God doesn’t see careless and idle words as something of little consequence. The Bible instructs us to be always truthful (Zechariah 8:16) and to avoid gossip (Proverbs 20:19). Her speech should always be “with grace, seasoned with salt” (Colossians 4:6). A woman who uses her words wisely and carefully will fulfill what Solomon wrote in Proverbs 25:11: “A word fitly spoken is like apples of gold in settings of silver.”

Godly men seek women who are respectful: Respect is one of the most misunderstood words in the Bible. A husband and wife are both called to respect one another, however, the way a man craves respect is different than what a woman craves. A man and woman both need love but they receive love differently. The way a man receives love is by being respected. 

A Christian man doesn’t want a woman who is helpless. But he is also unattracted to a woman who will not allow him to use his strength to serve her in humble leadership. Proverbs 11:22 states, “Like a gold ring in a pig’s snout is a beautiful woman without discretion.”

A Christian man finds a modest woman attractive because biblically he knows it is safer to get to know her than a seductive woman.

 A Christian man will actually be pushed away from a seductive woman because he knows God has called him to flee sexual passions outside of marriage.

1 Corinthians 6:18, “Flee from sexual immorality.”

Genesis 39:10-12, “And though she spoke to Joseph day after day, he refused to go to bed with her or even be with her. One day he went into the house to attend to his duties, and none of the household servants was inside. She caught him by his cloak and said, “Come to bed with me!” But he left his cloak in her hand and ran out of the house.”

In other words, it doesn’t matter how physically stunning a woman is, if she disrespects a man he will absolutely not be attracted to her.

Godly men seek women who express beauty through modesty: A Christian guy who is mature in the Lord is not going to want to date a woman who dresses sexy and in a way that purposefully insights passion in a man’s eyes. Of course men are responsible for not lusting after a woman’s body regardless of what she is wearing, but let’s not pretend there are not appearance choices a woman can make which she knows will arouse a man visually.

Rather than be attracted to a woman who does this, a Christian man will actually try to stay away from an immodest woman if he is trying to obey the word of God:

Proverbs 6:25, “Do not lust in your heart after her beauty or let her captivate you with her eyes.”

Proverbs 5:3-5 “For the lips of the adulterous woman drip honey, and her speech is smoother than oil; but in the end she is bitter as gall, sharp as a double-edged sword. Her feet go down to death; her steps lead straight to the grave.

Godly men see women who are emotionally predictable:It is true that all humans are emotionally unstable sometimes. Men and women included. However, if you are unstable all the time and are constantly coming up with new ways to be offended or cause drama, this is going to push men away.  Proverbs 21:9 states, “It is better to live in a corner of the housetop than in a house shared with a quarrelsome wife.”

Godly men seek women who are trustworthy: In a committed relationship, everything is out in the open. Whatever secrets you try to hide will only come back to haunt you later. A man should seek out a woman who trusts him and whom he can trust. Is she dependable? Can you be confident she’ll do what she commits to? “In the same way, the women are to be worthy of respect, not malicious talkers but temperate and trustworthy in everything”- 1 Timothy 3:11

Godly men seek women who are content: Is she constantly unhappy and dissatisfied? Or is she able to find joy in the hard times and the waiting? You’re not looking for a woman who never gets sad or feels unsettled, and we aren’t saying to write someone off for bringing up things she’s not happy with. But if she is overall someone who is never satisfied, it would be wise for her to find contentment in Christ alone before you’re added to the picture. “But godliness with contentment is great gain. For we brought nothing into the world, and we can take nothing out of it. But if we have food and clothing, we will be content with that.  Those who want to get rich fall into temptation and a trap and into many foolish and harmful desires that plunge people into ruin and destruction.  For the love of money is a root of all kinds of evil. Some people, eager for money, have wandered from the faith and pierced themselves with many griefs”- 1 Timothy 6:6-10

Godly men seek women who are peace lovers: A peaceful woman is not about drama or picking fights, but about pursuing and preserving unity. In fact, the book of Proverbs says it’s better to live in a desert (Proverbs 21:19) or an attic (Proverbs 25:24) than it is to be married to someone who is argumentative.

Godly men seek women who are hardworking: Have you heard of a Proverbs 31 woman from the famous passage that describes several desirable traits in a woman (Proverbs 31:10-31). Did you know that at least 11 of the 21 verses in that passage talk about her diligence and hard work? Look for someone who is hardworking and responsible; a woman who gets things done, when they need to be done, and who uses resources wisely.  

Godly men seek women who are committed to Christ: Christ should be the focus of her life. This looks like yielding to His word, being prayerful, living in community, and being committed to a body of believers.

“A wife of noble character who can find? She is worth far more than rubies.” (Proverbs 31:10) That’s a true trophy wife. That’s the true prize. “Give her the reward she has earned.”(Proverbs 31:31a). 

We could go on and on with the list of qualities of a Godly woman, but all of the mentioned qualities are good places to start when looking for God’s match for you. 

We were not meant to be alone in this world, but rather to share our lives with someone who will help us become better people. Single men, if you’re pursuing God yourself and you’re ready for marriage, find the godliest woman you know and ask her out. Single girls, if a godly man asks you out and you are open to dating, say yes. If you say no, be honest as to why. Men, be intentional. Women, be honest

And if there are areas she can grow, pray for her instead of writing her off. If you are looking for a replica of mother Mary; the mother of our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ to marry, chances are you may not find any because she was created for that purpose. You’re not looking for a perfect woman, but a woman who is wholeheartedly following Jesus. Think about where she’s headed and who she’ll become, and trust God to work.

HOW TO PUT GOD FIRST IN YOUR DATING RELATIONSHIP

 

If you want to honour God in your dating relationship, it is only natural you date in a way that honours God. I know a lot of Christian singles had always wanted to have a relationship where God is first, but once they entered into a relationship somewhere along the line, there time with God will dwindle, and dependence on their dating mate would grow, and the things they will end up doing within the relationship will not be so biblical.

In our world where love and relationship impact so many young people, and in more cases women, how can one be confident in putting God first while their partner is also in total agreement?

First let me share with you some common dating scenarios;

A lot of Christian women of dating age dream of marrying a man who would be excited to go to church and other Christian activities with her and her kids. A man who would spend time in prayer, seek God and lead the family with an extreme sense of faith. 

But, once they enter into a relationship, and relay this dream to their partner, they will soon realize their partner is not about that life, or nowhere thinking about that life yet, and the relationship will begin to drift apart. Such religious talk will prove how different they were in their beliefs, even though they both claim to be Christians. 

With this kind of dating experience, most single women who want to live a life of Christ, may decide to no longer date anyone who would question putting God first in their relationship.  

They may think if they meet this value head-on before a connection with someone grew too serious, then they would save themselves time and energy on single men who weren’t for them. Wrong!

Some men will claim they too, were thinking in that direction, only to approve of bending God’s rules when it comes to sex. 

Other guys would agree it is important to have God as the center of the relationship, but they also believe in other forms of God and think it was just ok for both of you to agree that God is God, no matter how you see Him.

The worst guys will listen with a sincere heart, only to dismiss the thought with ‘what has that got to do with us, after all we are meant for each other’. Nope!

Finding the love of your life doesn’t have to take you away from your love for Christ and the love of Christ.

How can you have a God centered relationship?

Here are a few tips to make that happen;

Embrace your identity in Christ: If your potential date notices you and sees nothing about your values, style or how you carry yourself or how your reputation speaks about putting God first, then he will not be certain that this is a value of yours. Therefore, once you bring up this value up, it is going to come up as a surprise, and one of two things will happen; he/she will lose interest in you, or he/she will still try to start a relationship with you and won’t take this part of you seriously since it seems you don’t either. 

Set your relationship boundaries before you go deeper: During your talking phase is when you set your relationship expectations, not when it has become official. How? Boundaries for restraint are important and necessary as the commitment in the relationship is not certain yet. Stay out of heavy petting and let things develop progressively with time. Well, if you are looking to put God first, then you will want a pure relationship. Set your curfews, establish your body contact limits without indications of sexual desire, get accountability partners etc. If both of you are serious you will go with the flow and make it work. If any of you is not serious about the set boundaries the relationship won’t last. Either way, your heart won’t get broken, and you will not be bending God’s rules. 

Avoid sexting: This is the exchange of text messages that could lead to temptations of sexual desire, or with intentions to arouse sexual desire.  This is because there is a thin line between emotions and intentions. Heart felt messages could be misinterpreted and emotional feelings wrongly aroused. 

Date with the intention of getting married: Do not date for fun as is done in the modern world, but if you’re trying to serve God, you should be looking for the partner God has chosen as your spouse. Only date someone if you see them as a potential life-long partner. That doesn’t mean that you have to marry the person you date. According to Amos 3:3, Can two work together unless they agree?  But do spend your time critically evaluating whether they’d be a good fit for you.    

Avoid becoming physically intimate before marriage: Since you are dating someone you are attracted to, it can be hard to resist the temptation to be close to them physically. However, God instructs His followers to wait until marriage to be physically intimate together. To help keep yourselves pure, observe boundaries that you both feel are safe, honorable, and respectable.

For instance, you might agree that until you’re married, you’ll only kiss on the cheek.

Try to avoid innocent-seeming activities that might tempt you to have impure thoughts, like sitting on each other's laps or giving each other massages.

Embody the love described in 1 Cor 13:4-8: One of the most well-known passages in the Bible describes pure love, and it’s an excellent description of the way you should strive to treat your partner in a relationship. It describes love as patient, hopeful, trusting, and selfless. Try to live up to this example as you build a healthy, God-centered relationship.

The passage says: "Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no records of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails”.

Even if your faith follows a different holy text, you can still use this beautiful verse as a reminder of how to treat your partner.

Rely on God and each other when times are difficult: There is no perfect relationship, just know you will have to face struggles together. These might be arguments because you don’t agree on things, or you might have to overcome hardships and grief together as a couple. No matter what comes your way, don't turn against each other. Trust that God will care for you, and work together to find God's solution to any problem.

Remember, if you and your partner get married, you’ll have to take on difficult situations together throughout your life. If you have a hard time working together when you’re dating, you may have a hard time being on the same page later on, as well.

Avoid situations that may lead to temptation to sin: If you are seeking God to be the center of your relationship, it’s a good idea for the two of you to avoid people, places, and situations where you might be tempted to do things you know displease God.

For instance, you might choose not to attend a party if you suspect there will be drinking and drugs, or you might avoid going to clubs where people tend to dance suggestively.

You may also want to avoid watching movies or TV shows that contain graphic sex, violence, or language. 

Spend time with other Christian couples: Group dating can help you avoid the temptation to be physical, but it is also a way to strengthen your identity in God, since you'll be surrounded by other people who share same religious faith and are also seeking God. Try to find another couple or a group of peers who are about your same age, and spend time together on a regular basis.

You might choose to have a weekly prayer meeting, do team-based service missions, or just hang out and do casual things like grilling, going out to eat, or playing sports.

It can also help you strengthen your relationship if you find mentors within your church. For instance, you might sit down with a couple who’s been married for several years to ask them about some of the challenges they dealt with when they were dating.

DATING: SITUATIONSHIP VS RELATIONSHIP

 

Situationship is a relationship without a label on it, like a friendship but more than a friendship but not quite a relationship. It is a casual relationship that includes physical intimacy despite a lack of commitment, and because of the lack of clear direction in situationship, people end up heartbroken. In most cases the victims are women. 

When a romantic feeling is developed, the evidence of lack of consistency and lack of stability starts to scare you, which eventually leads to anxiety and frustration. Even where there is a mutual understanding between the two of you. 

 The difference between situationship and relationship

The key difference between situationship and relationship is the lack of commitment. You are not officially dating and therefore do not have to meet each other’s requirements and expectations or assume the responsibilities of a partner. Even though you have a relationship tag, you are free to date other people. The sad reality here is that most young singles fall for this, and end up getting hurt. 

Situationship is oftentimes very attractive to men (and women) that are not interested in a relationship but want to get their physical needs met. You get to enjoy the benefits of a romantic relationship, such as physical and emotional intimacy without the responsibilities of it.  

That is why as a single Christian who desires to navigate the waters of dating, you need to know how to set boundaries based on God’s standard for intimate relationship with the opposite sex, and save yourself unforeseen heartaches.

 How long do situationships last?

It has no defined length of time, but it usually ends when one person catches strong feelings and initiates the ‘what are we’ conversation. 

Sometimes that conversation goes well and defines a direction the relationship should follow, and both people decide to make it official. However, more often than not, you realize that you want different things in a relationship and eventually go you separate ways.

However, a situationship only lasts, if both people have no common purpose to be together. 

 How to know if you are in a situationship 

Here are 10 signs to help know you’re in a situationship: 

 Non-committal to plans: A true characteristics of a person who is ready to date you on purposeful is that he will commit to plans beforehand.  When he is interested and excited about an event, two weeks from now he will want you to join him and make sure you are aware and available. 

In non-committal relationships, on the other hand, a man will ‘hit you up’ last minute. He won’t plan date beforehand or make plans for the future in general.

 Ghosting: This is probably the most staple behavior of a situationship partner. 

If the partner you are seeing or talking to ghosts you on a regular basis. Meaning he/she will pop in and out of your life without warning or explanation.

Consistency dot not matter in how often you see each other or talk to each other. Sometimes you don’t hear from him/her for weeks at a time, because he/she does not respond to text messages or phone calls.

That behavior is a sign of not being serious about the ‘relationship’ and prefers his/her freedom. This unreliable act is deliberate, so that you cannot expect more from him/her. 

 Surface level conversation: Conversations in a situationship remains at the surface level. Instead of talking about your dreams, fears, and insecurities you stay in shallow waters and discuss your hobbies, friends, and work.

So, if you find yourself talking about the same old stuff every time you meet, then that’s a clear sign that he/she does not want to open up to you and considers it a situationship.

 Listen to your guts: If your guts tell you, you are in a situationship, then you are in a situationship. If you repeatedly feel anxious or stressed by the ‘situation’ because of the uncertainty and ambiguity, then it’s because your gut is telling you that this is not a real relationship that you can rely on.

This is the time to initiates the ‘what are we’ conversation, so you can define the direction the relationship should follow.

A situationship does not guarantee security. On the contrary, it actually leaves you out in the open wondering what you can and cannot do or say in order to protect yourself.

 There is no commitment: If you are in a relationship where you have never discussed the status of the relationship but feel like you need to, it is because you are already participating in a no commitment relationship. 

In actual fact, the only thing that differentiates a situationship from a relationship is that both partners sat down and discussed the terms of their relationship. What they expect from each other and what they are willing to contribute to each other’s lives.

 He/she tells you that he does not want a relationship: What else do you want to hear? If a potential date tells you he does not want a relationship, then that means he/she does not want a relationship!

And all you should do is believe him/her. Do not try to change him/her, convince him/her or guilt-trip him/her into the opposite, because it will not work.

So, when he/she tells you he/she is not ready to be in a committed relationship and you decided to remain in the situation anyways then you are officially in a situationship.

 You keep the relationship private: People in situationships have no identity. You are not his girlfriend and he is not your boyfriend, however, when you try to explain what you are to someone it sounds confusing. Because, a simple excuse such as ‘he is just a friend’ is not enough. 

This is the reason a lot of people keep situationships private or even a secret. No outdoor dates and no introducing each other to friends and family. Women do so out of shame that others will judge and men do so out of fear that another dating interest may find out.

But, we all know that when you have to keep something hidden it’s often not a good sign and in this case, it indicates that you are in a situationship.

 You hide your feelings and emotions: One feeling you constantly have in stuationship is fear of the unknown.  You constantly fear that something is wrong and ask yourself ‘does he like me?’, ‘am I boring?’, ‘is he going to breakup with me?’.

And in an effort to avoid appearing too possessive you now try to play it cool, by never bringing up your feelings or expectations. This only makes the situation worse. 

The best thing to do to keep a relationship healthy is to honestly discuss each other and expectations. Putting you first and openly communicating your own needs to your partner, will ultimately improve the relationship and not harm it. 

Women tend to worry that expressing their emotions will turn men off. Therefore they often suck in all their resentment and anger until they explode. 

 He never presents himself/herself as your significant other:  Due to the fact that you keep the relationship private, it is no surprise that he/she is never available when you have important events or social gatherings to go to.Not showing up in public as your significant other indicates to the world that he/she is not available. And that’s a problem if he wants to keep his/her options open and flirt or meet with other dates. 

Therefore, a sign that you are in a situationship is when he comes up with all types of excuses as to why he cannot join you for important events such as social gathering.

 You only show affectionwhen you are together: When you are in a situationship with someone, the physical chemistry is not there when you are not together. It’s as if you two are good old friends from kindergarten, close but not that close, with no common goal to look forward to. 

 How to end a situationship

The best and most effective way of walking away from a situationship is by having an honest conversation where you state why a situationship does not work for you based on your desire for a committed God centered relationship.  

You can do that in-person, on the phone, or even via text. 

Ideally, use a pre-crafted text script that you can use to convey exactly what you mean respectfully and carefully. That will allow you to end things completely and get out of the situationship .