BEFORE YOU SAY I DO

 

It is important to ask the right questions during your dating before you say I do and sign that “love you for life!” contract. Different values can cause rifts in the marriage, early on, or later down the road. That’s why it’s super important to discuss everything as early as you can to make sure you're both truly compatible.

Marriage is a major decision, so there are tons of things you’ll need to consider before you say “I do.” During your dating period, carve out time to ask one another some clarifying questions. This is how you enter marriage with your eyes wide open. Answers like, “I haven’t really thought about” are ones you’ll need to revisit. 

Not sure where to start? Here are some expert-approved questions to ask before marriage:

Personal Values

Does your partner care about political issues?

Do you and your partner belong to the same ideological party?

Is it an issue if you have different political ideals?

Do your partner's political ideals impact their decisions?

Does your partner enjoy the kind of work they do?

How important is your relationship to your partner?

Who are the most important people in your partner's life?

Does your partner concern themselves with current events?

Who does your partner value spending time with most?

What does it look like when your partner deeply cares about something?

Career Goals

Does your partner support your goals? Can you talk openly about it?

Where does your partner see their career in 10 years?

Where do you see your career being in 10 years?

How much time does your partner spend at work?

How passionate is your partner about their career?

How passionate are you about your career?

Does your partner prioritize work over other aspects of their life?

Does your partner view their occupation as their passion?

How demanding is your partner’s job?

Has work-life balance ever put a strain on your relationship?

Does work interfere with the plans you have for life?

How salary-driven are you and your partner?

Does having a demanding job support the lifestyle you two enjoy?

How supportive is your partner of your career goals?

Do your individual career goals conflict with each other at all?

How does your partner feel when they come home from work?

The Past

Which childhood experiences influence your behavior and attitude the most?

Could any feelings of affection and romance be revived if you met a previous boyfriend/girlfriend even though you feel strongly committed to me?

Is there anything in your past of which I should be aware?

What did you dislike the most about your previous partners?

If your past boyfriends/girlfriends listed your most negative characteristics, what would they be?

Do you keep letters and memorabilia from past relationships? Why or why not?

Are you comfortable continuing this relationship if there are things in my past that I am not willing to share with you?

Have you ever been involved in any criminal activities? What were they?

Did your mother or father abuse each other or you in any way- sexually, emotionally, verbally, or physically?

Have you ever had to overcome a bad habit? How long ago was that?

What was it? Have you ever been violent in past relationships?

How did your parents show their love to you growing up?

Family Planning

Do you and your partner both want children?

Where would your partner ideally like to raise kids?

At what point in your marriage would your partner like to start a family?

If you give birth, how would your partner handle pregnancy and labor?

How would your partner react if you had difficulty conceiving?

Would your partner be open to alternative ways of becoming parents?

What kind of childhood did your partner have?

Does your partner have a good relationship with their parents?

Do you enjoy spending time with your partner’s parents?

Does your partner like the way they were raised?

What would be your partner’s parenting style?

Does your partner enjoy being around your family?

What kind of family traditions would your partner want to implement?

How many children would your partner like to have?

What kind of child care would you like to have?

Trust

Have there been times when you were uncomfortable with the way I behaved with the opposite sex? If so, when and what did I do?

What do I do now or what could I do in the future that would cause you to distrust me?

Would you be comfortable transferring all your money into my bank account?

Would you be comfortable transferring all of your money into a joint account?

Who do you feel should come first, your spouse or your children?

Is trust automatic until something occurs that takes it away, or does it evolve over time?

Do you trust me with money?

Is it permissible for us to open each other’s mail?

Can we answer each other’s cell phone?

Will we have the passwords to each other’s email accounts?

Do you have trust issues and insecurities?

Sex and Romance

If we eliminated physical attraction from our relationship, what would be left?

What is the best way for me to show that I love you?

If I put on weight, will it affect our sexual relationship? How?

Is it important for you to know if I’m a virgin? Why or why not?

What is it that I do that causes you to question my love?

What turns you off sexually?

Do you know if your partner watches porn?

How would you handle it if your sex life became boring?

Do you and your partner prioritize sex?

Are you open to trying different things if we both agree?

Do you think being in love means: (1) Never having to say you’re sorry, (2) Always having to say you’re sorry, (3) Knowing when to say you’re sorry, or (4) Being the first to say I’m sorry?

Can we comfortably and openly discuss our sexual needs, preferences and fears?

Communication

How do you know when your partner is upset?

What does your partner do when they know you're upset?

Does your partner tell you when they have an issue with you?

Does your partner tell you when they're stressed?

What does your partner do to make you smile?

Has there ever been something you didn't want to tell your partner?

Do you ever fear your partner will judge you?

Does your partner ever keep secrets from you?

Do you have any trust issues when it comes to your partner?

What do you and your partner typically argue about?

What happens after you and your partner argue?

Do you and your partner ever have issues apologizing?

Does your partner ever hold grudges against you?

How does your partner communicate their love for you?

How does your partner make you feel safe and accepted?

The Future

How are we different? Could our differences be a source of future conflict? Do our differences complement each other?

Do you anticipate maintaining your single lifestyle after we are married? That is, will you spend just as much time with your friends, family and work colleagues? Why or why not?

How did your family resolve conflicts when you were growing up? Do you approve or disapprove of that method? What will you change or not change to resolve conflicts in your future family?

Is there anything about marriage that frightens you?

Would you prefer to live in the city, the country, or by the beach? Why?

If I wanted to move away from our families for work, would you support me?

How would it affect you if I travel on my own frequently to (1) visit family, (2) earn income, (3) pursue a hobby, or (4) deal with stress?

Suppose we are experiencing trouble in our marriage. In what order will you seek help from the following to resolve our conflicts: (1) divorce lawyer, (2) your parents, (3) a brother or sister (4) a marriage counselor, (5) me, (6) a church leader, (7) a friend? Why?

What role will your family play in our life together?

Are there some things that you and I are not prepared to give up in the marriage?

What are my hobbies? How will you support my hobbies?

 Are there any hobbies we can do together?

How do we balance holiday and special occasions with both families and also make sure to have special time for us?

How do you feel about having our parents come to live with us if the need arises?

What is the thing you feel you will be sacrificing the most to marry me?

Is there anything you would regret not being able to do or accomplish if you married me?

How will we schedule holidays with our families?

Do you expect or want me to change in certain areas?

What are your expectations about how we will spend our free time?

How will we make sure we have quality time together no matter how busy we get?

Annoyances

If I had bad breath, body odor or wear dirty clothes, will you tell me? Should I tell you? Why or why not? How should we do it?

What do you consider nagging? How does it make you feel? Do I nag?

Do you approve without reservation of the way I dress? What would you like to see change?

Which, if any, of my family members annoy you?

What does my family do that annoys you?

Would it bother you if I made body noises all the time, like passing gas, burping, or smacking when I chew?

Is there anything you do in your line of work that I would disapprove of or that would hurt me?

Do you believe that you should stick with a marriage if you are unhappy all the time?

When do you need space away from me?

Miscellaneous

How would you rank all the priorities in your life: work, school, family, spouse, friends, hobbies, and church? Does your ranking reflect the amount of time you spend on each?

Are you closer to your mother or father? Why?

What is your preferred work schedule, daily or flexible work activities and timetables?

What do you fear?

What influence, if any, do you believe my family should have on our relationship?

To what extent should our parents know our financial condition, whether good or bad, just because they want to? How far should this go?

What are your views on pornography?

What are your boundaries with alcohol?

How would you react if our son or daughter told us they were gay?

What are your feelings on racial prejudice?

How do you feel about having guns in our home?

Is there anyone close to you who feels we should not get married? Why? Should we be concerned about this?

What health problems do you have?

Have you ever had any psychological problems?

When you are in a bad mood, how should I deal with it? How do you deal with it?

Would you want to have a pet?

What type of pet would you want to have?

Will we have to change the church will we attend? Why?

How will we make decisions together?

How do you handle your anger?

How much alone time do you need?

What are the boundaries we want to put in place when it comes to dealing with the opposite sex?

How important is it to you to keep up physical appearances?

Have you ever cheated on someone or been cheated on?

How important do you think self-care is?

When conflict arises, do we tend to want to fight, avoid it or work it out?

How important is spending time in prayer, daily devotions, attending church and serving to you?

After reading through and answering these questions, you should be able to make an informed decision about starting a life with your partner. And if you don't know the answer to any of these questions, use it as a conversation starter with your partner. 

Marriage was meant to be a power union and never a power struggle. While marriage is a constant road of twists and turns, disagreements, different upbringings and opinions, and often opposite personalities, it’s important to talk about the bigger issues of the heart. It is also important to realize that marriage is a constant growing process. You continue to know more about one another each and every day. You continue to learn mercy and grace. You continue to learn that the success of a marriage isn’t based on differences but about forgiveness, dependence on Christ, and matters of the heart.